The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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