genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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