Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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