Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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