so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
