I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
