Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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