the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
