I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
