Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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