Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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