after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
this must be what syphilis tastes like
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
