The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
