my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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