can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
