I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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