Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
