I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
