Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
