Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
