I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
