I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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