one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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