Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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