Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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