I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
