I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
