Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
