Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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