Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
