You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
