dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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