and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
