If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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