Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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