Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
