Life is so much better after having sex.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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