i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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