The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
