captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Pooping to opera.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
