I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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