woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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