If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
