life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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