getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
