PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
