Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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