I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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