i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
