I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
